Last week’s vacation was my third vacation since I started on this healthy way of living. Vacations are typically a time to splurge on good food and to relax and enjoy doing nothing. We always spend our summer vacation at the beach. We rent a house and we bring our own food. I usually find some new recipes to try during the week that are not healthy whatsoever. I plan our meals but I don’t eat clean and usually I fix stuff that everyone likes that is easy (hot dogs, lasagna, etc).
Last year’s vacation started me down a slippery slope that ended with me gaining back 18 pounds by October. So I went into this year’s vacation knowing that it wouldn’t take much for me to fall off the wagon and be back to my old, unhealthy shenanigans. Unfortunately, knowing that put a damper on me fully enjoying the week.
I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to just be carefree and not worry with how many calories are in a Duck Donut (310 depending on the topping). But there was this constant nagging little voice whispering to me all week, “you’re going to gain that weight back.” The negative part of me was convinced that this was going to be the beginning of another downward spiral. I felt like I was one Duck Donut away from gaining back 45 pounds. Like any minute I was going to take a bite and turn back into Professor Klump.
|Sherman! Sherman! Sherman!|
A friend commented on Facebook that I should just enjoy myself and enjoy vacation. I love her, mean it. But unless you’ve struggled with your weight your entire life you don’t understand how mental weight loss is. Sure, I could physically enjoy those two Duck Donuts that I ate just before bed on Tuesday night. But mentally I was disappointed with myself and my mind was telling me that it was wrong. My mind was telling me I was a horrible person (I know that isn’t true, but that is how the mind of a fat girl works sometimes). My mind was telling me that I was a failure and that I would never reach my goals because I can’t seem to conquer and control my eating habits.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was mentally draining. I’d eat a delicious meal or treat and then I’d feel sick and defeated for hours after. Several times I wished I had brought my scale with me. It was killing me not knowing how much weight I was gaining. Then I’d snap out of it and realize that it was vacation, that I wouldn’t gain back 45 pounds in one week and that in the grand scheme of things it was just 7 days out of 365.
I wonder if this is always going to be an issue for me. I wonder if I will ever get to a place where I can just be “okay” with food. Where I can just see it as food and not as “this many calories, this many grams of fat, this many carbs”. I know that I’ll have to be mindful of how I eat for the rest of my life. But how can I find that balance of being mindful but not being obsessed?
If you’ve lost a lot of weight, do you still have that “fat girl” mentality? Do you get obsessed over what you eat? Do you worry that one wrong choice is going to make you gain all your weight back?