Adoption

We’re Adopting! Let the Hurtful, Absurd and Lame Comments Commence

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When you’re pregnant you get asked lots of stupid questions.

Was it planned?  Why don’t you just ask what you’re really thinking:  did your birth control fail?

Do you want a boy or a girl?  Ummm, after watching Rosemary’s Baby we’re just hoping it’s fully human.

Can I touch your belly?  Maybe . . . can I touch yours?

Did you conceive naturally?  Define naturally.

Are you sure you only have one baby in there?  Yes.  I just keep it hidden under layers of fat.

And the stupidity doesn’t stop when you tell someone you’re adopting.  These are all honest to goodness things that I have heard when sharing our adoptive plans with others.

I know so-and-so who adopted and those kids were awful.  Yes, we’ve all heard the adopted child horror stories.  But guess what?  There are absolutely beautiful stories too.  We choose to focus on those while we wait.

So-and-so traveled overseas to pick up a baby and he wasn’t what she was expecting.  He had a lot of health problems and now they’ll be responsible for that baby for the rest of its life.  Guess what?  That’s called motherhood.  When you give birth you never know what you are going to get either.  So are you saying if my biological child wasn’t born “perfect” that I should have gotten rid of her?  Wouldn’t you agree that a child with medical problems is even more in need of a safe and healthy home? 

I could never do that.  I don’t think I could love another child as much as my own.  Adopted children are your own children.  I can’t imagine not loving a child that you have prayed diligently for, waited so long to find, and then fought so hard to make your own.  If that isn’t love then I don’t know what is.  

Well, just be careful.  So-and-so was going to adopt from foster care and she ended up losing that baby to the birth father.  Yes, we realize that nothing is ever certain in the foster care system.  Foster care isn’t about taking children away from their family but it is all about reunification.  We should be happy when a parent wants to clean up their act and be a good parent to their child.  Sadly that doesn’t always happen and the result can be adoption.  Adoption isn’t the purpose of foster care but it sometimes the result.      

Sure, I get it.   You’re “concerned”.  Trust me, we didn’t just wake up one morning and say, “Hey–let’s adopt!”  It took years of prayer and conversation and more prayers.  It wasn’t a decision that was made lightly.  No one would agonize and pour over 31 pages of deeply personal questions, 30 hours of classroom training and months and months of waiting without researching it out first.

We know the horror stories.  We know it’s going to be hard.  We know our faith and our patience may be tested.  We know that it will be a huge adjustment for our family.  We know that we can’t expect all rainbows and butterflies.

But we also know that we serve a big God.  A God who has led us to this moment, to this purpose, in our lives.  We know that he has a child somewhere for us.  He had his hand in this from the very first time I saw an orphaned child in the streets of India when I was nineteen years old.  He placed this desire in my heart then and it has grown and grown over the years.  We trust that He is in control and we can’t wait to see our story–HIS story for us–unfold.

Thanks for your continued encouragement and prayers through this process!  They are very appreciated.

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6 thoughts on “We’re Adopting! Let the Hurtful, Absurd and Lame Comments Commence

  1. I totally get this, I do, but…after 4 years of foster care and 11 placements that led to one incredibly awesome adoption, I really didn’t get it, not at the beginning. Yes, people who make all the comments SERIOUSLY do not get it, but I didn’t understand the trauma and how it would affect these kiddos. We had a failed adoption, the brother to the little girl we did adopt, after 3 years of fostering him. It was devastating, to us, our bio children, our adopted child, our church family, our bio family, etc. We should have made the decision sooner, but you want so badly to make it work, to believe you can make it work. In the end, it wasn’t safe for the two kids to be together, we continue to have minimal contact. All that to say….pray, and pray some more…and just because a child is placed with you doesn’t mean it will be the child you adopt, even when everyone else thinks you should. Also, find support with others who have been through it or are going through it. Kids with attachment issues can act very different at home than at school or church. I often felt like I was going crazy trying to explain behaviors that no one else saw. This will be awesome, this will be hard, you will be reminded of your own sin and your Heavenly Fathers unconditional love for you on a daily basis!!

    1. Thank you, Sara for sharing and for your openness and honesty! I know that I have SO much to learn along this journey and I am happy to have people who have gone before us (like you!) helping me along. 🙂

  2. I should also note, the other 9 children we fostered were all reunited with their parents or grandparents, which is exactly what each of those children wanted more than anything else. We are fortunate to see 7 of them often as we live in a small town.

  3. From someone who was adopted…I just want to say THANK YOU; for wanting to give another human being a chance at life; for choosing to give another human being a chance at life.

    My mother (adopted mother…) adopted three children. Unfortunately one of us was not an ideal match…she tried her hardest to make that relationship work and give him what he needed, it was never enough for him. He ended up betraying our family on the day of my father’s funeral. Yes, there are ‘bad cases’…but there are SO MANY MORE wonderful cases. The other two children my mom adopted (myself and and my non-bio brother) are well adjusted, contributing members to society.

    Again, thank you for wanting to give someone the gift of a loving family!

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